


Lucid

by selfishmachine22



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Character Development, F/M, Lucid Dreaming, Romance, Science Fiction, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Twenty One Pilots Reference, brief self harm scene, brief suicide mention, josh dun - Freeform, protag is kinda an ass at first, trigger warning, twenty one pilots - Freeform, tyler joseph - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 15:12:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12015399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selfishmachine22/pseuds/selfishmachine22
Summary: Luna was always a dreamer, metaphorically, but when she realizes her dreams are starting to become real, she becomes a power almost no one can stop.  She creates a life with Tyler Joseph, famed singer of twenty one pilots, without recognizing the monster she's become.





	1. Burn and Smoke

You could smell the fumes all the way to my AP US History class, which was downstairs. Our heads popped up and looked around, as if someone called our name. When there wasn't an explanation present, we glanced at each other then continued our quiz on our good friend George Washington.

Then you could hear the oh lovely ear piercing shriek of the fire alarm. Most of us jumped out of shock. Mr. Nelson's face told us all this wasn't a drill. I grabbed my bag and we all rushed out the door. All those aforementioned drills never did a thing for us.

There was a fire in room 212, apparently, from what I could hear through the screams and talking. Some kid had too much fun with his science experiment most likely, I doubted it was purposeful.

We all sat outside, watching smoke file out the windows and even some of the doors. The fire truck came and they pulled out the big hose, and it made... the sound of my alarm?

7:30 AM, blue hair in a mess of knots, glasses on the nightstand, it was only a dream. I rubbed my eyes and stood, feeling somewhat sad that the fire fiasco was just my subconscious. Not that I wanted the school to burn down, I just wanted to go home early.

8:30 shower, makeup, hair, bus stop, I wasn't late this time. The air was humid, yet cold, and the wind brushed against us. Something still felt wrong, eerie, like a ghost was behind me and I couldn't catch a glimpse of it.

Of course though, every class on my schedule went exactly as planned. When I got to third period, I had déjà vu, I realized this was the class I was in in my dream. Mr. Nelson handed out the quizzes and I saw all the questions I did before. At this point, my hands shook and the familiar scent of burning came through. Kids' heads looked up and around, and I held my breath.

The light flashed from the alarms just before it went off. The jumps happened and we rushed outside. For some reason, I felt like crying. Smoke trailed out and the same coughs replayed. I was silent this time though, my friends looked at me and tried to talk to me, but I just shook my head.

What would you do? If you woke up from dream, only to live it a few hours later? When the truck pulled up the curb, and the big yellow hose made its way inside, I started to walk away. My feet knew where to go, I didn't. Teachers stopped me, told me to wait, I told them to piss off.

I only stopped when Jason called my name.

"Karameen, where ya heading?" he yelled with his bright white smile and I whipped around so fast.

"I-I just, I don't know," I mumbled and shrugged, he walked over, and looked down at me.

"Hey, don't look so scared, everything's okay, everyone got out safe," he assured me and rubbed my arm, assuming my shocked face was from the fire. His hand on my arm made me more calm but more anxious all at the same time.

"No, yeah, I get it, it's just, still... Weird... I just, before this happened, I had a dream that it would. All the same things, to a T," I admitted to him. I didn't know why, there was no concrete reason for me to trust him.

His eyes widened and he laughed.

"That's so cool, you must be a psychic or something," he joked with me, and I laughed nervously. He thought it was a good wonderful joke, I pretended it was because I was scared out of my mind and I didn't want to face the reality of it all.

Kasey found me and dragged me by my arm back to where everyone else that I knew stood.

"First you're all weird and shaking your head like this is the worst tragedy ever, and now you're having conversation with your life long crush Jason Wheeler?" Kasey interrogated me with a stern look.

"He talked to me, I hardly talked to him. I just told him I had a dream that this happened," I explained, and she looked at me with a slightly scared look.

"You dreamt this would happen? That's weird. I had dreams about the school being attacked but that never happened. I wonder what it means," she wondered out loud and glanced at the ground.

"I don't know, I just hope it doesn't happen again, it's weird and I don't like it," my voice sounded scared and it's the first time I felt truly vulnerable.

She gave me a sympathetic look, but it was weak, and we could both tell. They eventually got buses running and we all got to home. It was actually really nice; it would've been even better if I didn't have this hanging dread on me.

When I got home my mom planted a thousand kisses on my face and was in near tears. She was very overprotective and worried about me. It seemed a bit ridiculous to me, how she watched my every move and how she worried I would get hurt all the time. Perhaps it was because I was an only child and I was really her only immediate family.

Dad died when I was about four, and she's sworn never to love another person since then. So it's just us in this shabby house with too many dishes and boxes. I've been asking for a cat, but the litter box would stink up the whole place, and vet visits are expensive.

After our reunion, mom went back to work and I crawled into my bed. I played my music and stared at the ceiling.

Have you ever been exhausted but you just couldn't fall asleep? That's what it was like right then, my eyes didn't want to close, even if it's just to blink. I wondered if it was because the last time I slept, I visited the future and saw flames.

Eventually, I settled on being productive instead of questioning my existence. I finished papers and completed worksheets. It was getting dark, but not nearly time to sleep. Then I took a shower and made dinner.

By the time it was eleven I ran out of things to do, and I was more tired than before. It was like a hurricane in my body, I was shaking and everything was in the wrong place. Or at least that's what it felt like.

Drifting away, despite the anxiety residing in me, I fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Please leave comments on what you think! :)


	2. Save the Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((Trigger Warning!!!!! Depictions of self harm/suicide!!))

woke up by rolling onto the floor. The dream was worse than yesterday's. Nothing happened in the future, but getting to it was...painful. There were flashes and loud ringing noises, I could feel myself being stretched like a rubber band, and I woke up on the floor in the dream. The entire day was normal, Jason didn't talk to me, Kasey told me about rehearsal and how Mick Trussley shined like a star. I never understood why she and almost every other girl worshiped him. The only strange thing, was when I was walking, I thought it would be funny if Allie (the most popular girl in school) spilled milk on herself, and she did. Right after I thought it!

So as we went to school, looking at room 212 locked and covered with caution tape, we wandered and walked as usual.

When lunch came around, I was staring at Allie. I must've looked weird because Kasey smacked my arm.

"Don't be weird, or so obvious," she said to me, her eyebrows raised.

"No it's not like that," I assured. "I was just zoning out."

"Sure, okay," she allowed, but suspicion clearly on her face.

Then I heard gasps and laughter, and my head whipped around to see milk dripping down Allie's shirt. Boys made a ton of jokes and she looked so upset. I felt bad, as if I was the reason she spilled her milk. She never dared to talk to me, I was a social outcast, but even still, I fought the urge to get napkins for her.

I couldn't shake the feeling that this was honestly my fault. It was me who had the thought, and then it happened. You always think you want a superpower, but you don't. If I could control the future, I had a superpower. And it was terrifying. It's like you could change everything with one motion. A snowball waiting at the top of a mountain to be pushed and turned into something huge. An avalanche of chaos waiting to destroy something.

It was just about every night I had these dreams, some as painful as the second one, some easy as the first. There were times where I had wished my normal dreams would come back. Even the ones that made no sense, or the scary ones, because now everything I see comes true. Every nightmare is real, and it's harder to face than you realize.

Tonight was different.

I went to the restroom and there was a girl on the floor in one of the stalls. There was blood coming out from under the door, my first assumption was that she had some kind of period accident.

"Hey? Are you okay?" I called out to her, but there was no response.

Panic arose and I knocked on the stall door. How could I get in there without her unlocking the door? A lot of people say they're horrible under pressure, and I too am guilty of saying such a thing. But when it really comes down to it, you can accomplish a lot when you're truly panicked.

I entered the stall next door and stood on the toilet. She was on the floor, bleeding from her wrists. My voice wanted to scream, but my mouth trapped it inside. With a lot of effort, I climbed into her stall. I shook her, not caring about the weird feeling of blood soaking my pants. I quickly took the school's crappy toilet paper and wrapped it around her still somewhat leaking veins. Her eyes were open.

You could see that there wasn't anything left behind. The light had run away and despite her still running blood, she was gone. I had no idea who she was but I was crying. I yelled for help and paramedics came and I got to go home again. She was pronounced dead.

When I got up, and remembered that it was a dream, but a dream of the future. I knew that there was something I could do. Something extraordinary, something that I couldn't ever tell a soul, but something I could take with me for the rest of my life as a way to say, I'm not entirely useless to this world.

Instead of waiting for my bladder to direct me to the bathroom, I went on my own at the beginning of third period. Everyone looked at me like I was weird, sitting against the wall in the back of the bathroom. I didn't blame them.

When she walked in, wrists dry, eyes alive, it was so weird. The reverse of seeing a ghost. She was shaking, I could see it, I could see her lip quivering, as she went to go to the last stall, ignoring me, I grabbed her arm.

"You can't do this," was all that came out of my mouth.

There was no way to lightly say, 'hey I saw you kill yourself in my dream please don't do that', what I said was the next best thing.

"What? Go pee? Let me go," she practically growled at me. A sliver of doubt went through me, what if the dream was wrong? But the dreams have never been wrong.

"No, I know what you're thinking of doing, and you can't. I-I... I can see it in your eyes, I've been there before," I let out a small lie. I'd never been in that place before, but it's true I've seen it a thousand times and I know what it looks like.

This girl was determined. She tugged her arm away from me.

"I don't know what you're talking about, you should really see a counselor," the girl spat and opened the stall.

I stood up quickly and grabbed both her arms.

"You are not going to hurt yourself. Not on my watch," I insisted, seeing her eyes falter. "You are not."

It must've been the persistence, the fact I stayed, or the sincerity she finally caught in my eyes, but she broke down. Her sobs were loud, like the dogs had been let out into an open field and nothing could stop them from running.

I held her, letting her tears and snot soak me. I preferred it so much more than her blood.

Of course someone had heard her crying, and a counselor was sent in. There wasn't much I could say to them, I wanted to tell them she was going to die, but there was no proof except my ESP crap. Luckily she confessed to needing help and they got her mom over. She went home and I didn't know what happened after that, but I was so glad I saved her.

Rumors flew around the school, people kept asking me so many questions. Apparently the girl's name was Paige and she was a senior. So me, an uncool junior, saving her life, was something very hard to believe.

I didn't tell anyone what happened, not even my mom. It was me and Paige's little secret. There was still terror embedded in me, that I had this power to see the future, and now I just saved someone's life because of it.

The fact I did something good, made me fall asleep just a bit easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Please leave comments on what you think! :)


	3. Lucid

So remember the whole thing with Allie and the milk?

It kind of happened again, but this time in much greater volume.

When I saw Jason I wished that he liked me and that he would talk to me, I even imagined it for a moment. Then he turned to me and grabbed my wrist.

"Hey Luna," he spoke in the most serious tone I'd ever heard him speak in (although that's not saying much since he's always joking). "You've looked really stressed lately, are you doing okay?"

My eyes shifted all around the room, looking for a hole in the space time continuum, but none showed.

"I'm okay, don't worry," I promised and looked down at his hand on my arm. My heart fluttered, a butterfly in the air.

"Good, I want you to be okay, I'll talk to you later okay?" he assured me and took his hand then squeezed mine. It was like someone poured cold water on me, or something like that. It was so shocking. I remembered that this was a dream, that this was my peek into the future. What else could I do with my mind? Would all these alterations stay with me?

When I stepped into class, I imagined Tommy sneezing, and then he did. I said bless you then I imagined Sarah forgot her homework. She did. Then I had her find it in her English binder even though this is math.

Could I wake myself up then? I wanted to, I didn't want to live as a God among these people. I mean I know I'm not God, but I'm certainly not too far below him like this. I can dictate these people lives...just like that?

Going through the day was like going down a train track, you knew what was coming and when it was coming. When Jason pulled me aside, it was less of a shock, but my butterfly heart still managed to fly in the air.

When Sarah complained about not finding her homework, I asked her to check her English binder. She gave me a weird look but when she saw it was in there she looked so relieved, but with a hint of curiosity. I had to be careful. As fun as it is to be the one who knows everything, I couldn't let anyone know. Not even Kasey, who I seemingly knew exactly what to say to her.

It felt like I was cheating as her best friend, but if I could help her, why shouldn't I?

After a while of thinking about it, I'd rather be seeing people die so I can save their lives the next day, instead of having the ability to decide if someone dies or not. That scared me, the fact I could kill someone with my mind. I could look at a man on a ladder and imagine him fall, and he would. I could imagine the cars crashing into each other. Was I invincible? It sure as hell felt like it.

If I died in my dream, I could take steps to prevent it when I woke, or just change it all together. The possibilities were endless, I wanted to test all of my limits. There had to be something that would stop me, some way I couldn't be all powerful.

Then I also wondered if anyone else had the power that I did. There wasn't a way to figure it out. I couldn't just google 'does anyone have psychic future dream powers?', although I wonder what would come up if I did.

What would happen if two of these people were in the same future together? If they wanted you to die, and you wanted to live, would you? Whose power would be stronger? Is there even a way to strengthen this power? Again, would love to see what google says.

I sat on my bed for about an hour, or something like that. My mom even came in to ask if I was okay, the fact I wasn't doing anything worried her even more. She made me come out and watch Grey's Anatomy with her.

When the time passed, ever so slowly, I started to drift. If you do have this ability that I have, here's a tip; don't take naps.

You see seconds slipping by of the TV show, and you wake and it happens again. It's this weird limbo, you feel insane. I tried to change what happened on the show in my moments of sleeping, but the show itself has already been recorded, it's the streaming of it that's the future. So I could make the TV black out or blink.

Between sleep and wake, something happened. Horror is something you don't know, you might think you do, but you don't. Unless you've been attacked by surprise. But nothing really beats a looming shadow of a woman, breathing on your face, flashing in out of reality.

I jumped awake, and stared at the wall in fear, waiting for the shadow woman to emerge and breathe on my face and scare the crap out of everyone, but she didn't come.

"Lu, you okay?" Mom asked me and put a hand on my arm. It was well called for, I would do the same if I saw my daughter staring at the wall.

"Yeah, just had a bad dream," I told her, and it wasn't a lie.

"Go get some water okay?" she insisted. When I was little and had nightmares, she would pet my hair and get me water. She always said that drinking water helps you wake up, and therefor become more aware.

She was right. Things felt more clear once I had a cool glass of water, ice clinking against the glass, a familiar song. There was a lot I had to think about that I hadn't ever thought I would have to.

One expects to stress about school, work, friends, and family. No one expects to get thrown a dangerous super power, much less a super power with a demon lady involved. A lot of people imagine being a superhero but I don't think anyone actually thinks it'll happen.

We watched another episode and I opted to go to bed. I took Benadryl to help me sleep, and maybe knock out some of my dreams. Ironically, I could control what happened when I dream, but I couldn't control when I dreamed. So I tried my best to sleep without dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Please leave comments on what you think! :)


	4. The Demon Lady

There was a field of wheat, stretching for miles and miles. It didn't end. Butterflies flew all around, most of them yellow. I reached my hand out to hold one, but they all flew away. Then there were none. A crinkle of wheat crunching beneath someone's feet could be heard, and I turned to see the demon lady from before. It was lighter though; I could see her eyes. She had porcelain white skin, silver eyes, but she was covered in soot and her black hair was a mess.

She circled me and I held my breath. Her voice came out in a whisper, in a language I didn't know, but yet understood.

"I am Valefar," she introduced. Quite polite for a demon lady.

"That's your name, but who are you?" I stressed, my body backing away, the never ending field of wheat seeming too small somehow.

"I am the demon who guards you."

"From what?"

"From ultimate power. You're a mortal, but you have been blessed," she informed me and I looked around, always waiting for the catch.

"Who gave me this power?"

"God."

There was a moment where I felt like I couldn't keep asking questions. I had so many. What God? There were a lot of them. Was it Jesus God? Was it Jewish God? Was it Hindu Shiva God? Was it Greek mythology Zeus God???

She didn't seem willing to explain which one it was. She came closer and closer, and I froze in place. Whether it was because I was too scared to move or if she was holding me in place by her own force...I didn't know. And I didn't know which one was scarier.

"You cannot take lives, and you cannot save lives," she then announced to me.

My mind flashed images of Paige on the bathroom and my face crinkled.

"Why can't I save lives? It's just extending their timeline," I argued and her hands clutched my throat. There wasn't any way for me to speak anymore.

"God gave you the power to change, not to take or give," she growled.

It didn't make sense. Wasn't I just changing when they died?

"Souls are different from events in life, you cannot alter their travels, you will see people you love hurt, chaos will ensue," Valefar explained. "Souls are restless; souls have more power than you mortal."

My breath returned to me and she backed away. This gift was supposed to be viewed as such. A gift. Nothing more nothing less. Almost like wealth, it is for me to use to make my life easier or however I please. But killing something with wealth is illegal. And it's not up to me to save people's lives.

When I was released from this hell, it was 7:00 am, time for me to get up. I wished that I could have my sleep back, because it feels like I never do.

However, it was a bit refreshing to not know what was going to happen today. Things that went by were surprises and I couldn't be a hero to everyone. Kasey got mad I didn't know it was Mick's birthday today and I couldn't help but laugh. She did too, although she didn't know why.

It was enough that her friend was laughing.

The thing that surprised me the most in the day, was the fact Jason still talked to me. I didn't have to alter time for him to wave and ask if I was seeing the play. He didn't ask when though, so I doubt he was going to go with me.

Kasey even came over to do homework with me. We laughed and made flashcards for history, though we both knew that we would still do horribly. If there was another fire during the class, I think Mr. Nelson would be suspicious. Okay maybe not, cause how could I cause a fire while I'm right in front of him taking my test. However, contrary to popular belief, I'd prefer not setting the school on fire.

That night I got to at least see the questions. I tried my best to use my power to ensure I got a good grade, but it's hard to imagine getting the right answers when you don't know the right answers.

You'd think that being able to see the future would help me get amazing grades, but no. You can't purposely travel and you can't change answers to questions or anything.

It was November 3rd, it was so cold that night that our heat was cranked super high. I remember this because I had to open my window because I hated the heat being on. It felt like suffocating and I wasn't comfortable with a blanket.

I traveled to the future in my dreams, with determination and grit. There was a tunnel with two ends to leave, I picked one and I didn't end up in school.

There should be a bit of background before we get into this I suppose. I'm a total fangirl and I'm obsessed with twentyonepilots. Tyler Joseph is the singer and I have posters of him and everything. He writes eloquent and beautiful lyrics that just touch the darkest parts of my soul. I sound idiotic don't I?

I wish that I could've seen how stupid the whole thing was. But let's continue.

It was four, and I was in a coffee shop, with Ride playing. That gave me the worst brightest idea I've ever had. If I could do whatever I wanted, besides kill or save lives, why can't I summon my favorite person in the world?

My chocolate latte swirled and I closed my eyes so tight. There were other people here, staring me down but I didn't care. I imagined him, entering the shop with a hood over his head, his wrist tattoos showing under his sleeve.

"Please," I mumbled before opening my eyes.

Then, he was there, black hoodie and tired eyes, my whole body was shaking and it was like being born again. I wanted to yell his name, or even whisper it, but my mouth couldn't move. He ordered a coffee and vanilla bean frap, and I remembered Jenna.

Oh God, I'm so sorry Tyler, that I did this, but I couldn't help the stream of thoughts that rushed through my head like a waterfall thawing from winter ending. I imagined his tired eyes were from fighting with Jenna, that Jenna didn't love him anymore and he was begging for her to be herself again. There was clashing of dishes and rings being taken off. Then I remembered I could only control the future, not the present.

I should've stopped there, but I changed my course of thought. He would spill his coffee on me and I would talk to him about the weather for a second and he would remember me. Then Jenna would take the vanilla bean frap he ordered for her and not say a word or thank you.

No one was dying but I was picking a part their lives and I had no right. It all played out, and I would still be here when the sun went down, I would be writing a research paper, and he would come back because he needed someone to talk to and then he would fall in love with me.

Right before I woke up, I saw Valefar staring at me from the corner, I could tell she wasn't happy. I had found a little loophole in her rule, and she would find a way to hurt me for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((When I wrote this I googled demon names, I almost picked Valek! This was before I was aware of the Conjuring 2 movie's plot or any of that, would've been interesting if I had picked Valek instead...))  
> Thanks for reading!! Please leave comments on what you think! :)


	5. A Blatant Trapdoor

At the time, I felt bad that I was hurting Tyler by taking Jenna away from him, but I was so happy I had him in my hands. There was a type of crazy I was right then, and I didn't know what to call it.

I felt so entirely invincible.

Once I was out of school, I lied to my mom and said I was seeing Kasey at the local coffee shop. I grabbed my laptop and papers and found it odd that I was doing work but for all the wrong reasons.

My latte was decaf, I knew any extra juice would lead to some kind of anxiety attack and I didn't want to be a mess when Tyler got here. When he came in, I stared but then glued my eyes back to the computer. It's one thing to see him in your weird future dreams, but another to actually see him, like in real life.

I heard his order and his sweet voice that always played in my earphones. The seconds slipped by so slowly, till his blazing hot coffee spilled on my lap after he got caught on the chair behind me. I jumped faster than I did before, I could really feel the burn now.

"Oh my gosh I'm so sorry, does it hurt really bad? Crap," he cursed and put down the drinks and grabbed a pile of napkins. It did burn really bad, but it was so worth this moment.

"No it's fine, thank you," I assured him as I took the napkins and dried as much as I could.

We froze and made eye contact for a few moments. It was this moment where I felt he was having déjà vu and I was having second thoughts. My eyes must've looked scared and sad, because he softened.

"Thank you for being so kind about this, I'm really sorry, I have to go quickly my wife's waiting for me," he said and his eyes glanced at the ground at the word 'wife'. The guilt was seeping in faster than a towel soaking water in a filled bathtub.

"No problem, I'm Luna by the way," I introduced because I felt like it, because I knew I was shaping him to be mine, but he didn't know it.

"Tyler," he returned and I shook his hand.

After he left the shop I went to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. I didn't know who I was anymore. There was an inkling of it, but I didn't know. Luna Karameen was a real life, living and breathing monster. I was a real life monster.

My eyes watered and I couldn't pinpoint why I was crying, so I sniffed and wiped my eyes, and went out to write my paper about nanotech and its benefits.

The sun sunk down the horizon, stealing light with it. My paper was halfway done, and my eyes kept glancing at the door, wondering when my fate would ensue exactly. The barista was probably wondering what was wrong with me, but again I didn't care.

To me, nothing was worth more than this life I was formulating.

The door swung open with a little chime. His eyes were red and I could see his breathing going by too fast. My guilt was a vice. He sat in the chair across from me, and his hands were shaking.

"Tyler, what's wrong, what can I do?" I asked with steady eyes, I couldn't panic now, it would make things worse. I had to be his rock right now.

"My wife is leaving me."

My eyes widened, I didn't expect their fight to end them so quickly. And I thought I planned for him to leave. Did he fight against that current?

"Oh God Tyler, I'm so sorry," my voice cracked. I was sorry, I was so sorry, more than he could comprehend at the time. He saw it as regular compassion, as normal sympathy but it was pain staking guilt.

"My best friend he's not here, and I don't know, you seemed so kind earlier and I hoped you were still here, I don't know," he rambled and I saw a side of him I knew existed, but I never knew I would see.

"Let's get out of here, let's take a walk okay?" I offered and gave his hand a squeeze. I packed up my bag and he followed me, it was like he forgot how to be alive for a moment. He was vacant as he followed me and I felt horrible, I wanted to hold him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I inquired and looked at him. He shook his head. So we walked down the street and I told him about my life, I told him stories. The air was so cold but I couldn't feel it with him there.

"There was a time when I was little," I began another story. "I was obsessed with climbing trees. It gave my mom so many heart attacks, I hope I remember to apologize." I let out a small chuckle.

"But, there was this one tree down by the park, and she wouldn't let me climb it. So in the middle of the night I left the house, just to climb the tree. It was taller than some of the houses nearby, it was the tallest tree I had known.

There was nobody out there at the time, and I reached the top branch. I could see every star from there, I swear."

He laughed at my tone of voice and I could tell he felt he was there in that tree with me.

"No one ever knew that I did that, I was too scared my mom would find out and I would get in trouble. But I think that I felt magic was real that night, like I could peek into people's dreams if I tried hard enough, like I was...like I was God," I finished halfheartedly. He saw my sadness but didn't press on it.

"You're a good story teller, you should write," he told me and I laughed.

"I don't have time to write things besides school work," I informed him.

He frowned and I shrugged. It was sad that all our time was consumed by the pressure of getting work done and being perfect and getting perfect grades. The world was a place that called for you to be perfect, even when you couldn't be. Perfection was the key card into success, you had to be perfect mentally, physically, financially, etc.

There was a park, much like the one in my story that we stopped at. We sat on the swings and I could only see the moon, none of the stars.

Then I saw white flakes fall down on us, and from everywhere. Suddenly we were in a flurry of snow and I laughed as it coated our hair. I stood and we stared at the snowflakes in awe, as if we had never seen snow before. They danced and so did I, and I grabbed Tyler's hand and made him dance.

"What song are you dancing to?" he asked in an almost whisper.

"The song of the snow, the song of the nature around us, our song," the last part was quieter than everything.

But I felt like we were flying without ever leaving the ground. All of my nightmares and peeks into the future, were gone. Valefar couldn't touch this moment, even if the moment was something I stole. It was beautiful nonetheless and I could cry over how it came to be.

"Thank you Luna," he spoke to me then hugged me.

"Don't thank me, I don't deserve any thanks, trust me," I told him with so much sureness in my voice.

"No, you hardly know me but you lifted me up when I was down. You showed me a good time without making me face my demons, you taught me something in the span of an hour," he argued and my eyes watered.

"Thank you, but there's a lot you don't know about me," a tear fell from my eye and before I could wipe it away, he did.

"I can tell you're a good person, don't let your sadness take that away," he kissed my cheek and my face felt hot. He walked me back to the coffee shop and then he left.

And so I got what I wanted, the thing I dreamed for, the thing I would've given anything for.

I broke him so I could have him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Please leave comments on what you think! :)


	6. Paradoxes

When I got home, I felt like my soul had left me. There was something about his happiness that was eerie. It was artificial, synthetic. But he was thankful and he had no idea.

My mom didn't push me today, she figured I was writing my paper the whole time. I was tired but I couldn't fall asleep, my mind was racing and I didn't see myself stopping anytime soon.

Eventually, sleep did curse me. It was cold, Valefar was trailing me. She said nothing. I controlled few things, only small things. I didn't even think about altering Jason's path.

He still said hi.

Usually my dream doesn't go through the whole day, not even the end of school, but my walk home was in my control. An image of Tyler flashed through my mind, before I could think twice about it, he was walking across the street, phone in hand. He crossed the street and began walking in front of me.

Where was he going? I wished I could control my power, that I could choose what I really wanted to happen, instead of every thought the came out, came to life.

I wondered what was going through his mind, and I imagined he was coming to my house, that he has to find me. And so he was in front of me the whole way home.

There was fear laced in with the excitement. It was better for me to sneak in the back so I could act surprised at the door. If he knew I had been right behind him, he would probably be weirded out.

I fixed my hair and answered the door, looking him up and down with a confused look.

"Tyler?" I questioned with an eyebrow raised. "How did you get here?" This was a genuine question.

His cheeks turned a light shade of pink, and he fiddled with his hands. I'd never seen him nervous before. Before he could speak, I woke up.

There was the grueling process of doing normal things. Like brushing my teeth and my hair, choosing an outfit, trying to do decent makeup, or showering and shaving. Every morning was extra hard when you knew that you were an almost all powerful superhero. I couldn't place why that day felt so bleak.

School was even worse, I had moments where I spaced out, all I could hear was the scratch of pencil on paper, the sniffs of kids with all year allergies, and them shifting in their seats. When the teacher spoke it felt like I was sitting in a whole other dimension.

It was then that I started to feel the regret of my actions seeping in. I asked to go to the bathroom and I sat in the stall and cried, for the very first time in a while. It felt nice, even though I had to cover my mouth and hold my breath whenever someone came in.

I could hardly handle the responsibility of homework and grades, much less a power I barely had control of. And I made a mistake I couldn't take back.

All humans are selfish. We take what we want, we fight for it without thinking of the consequences, the effect it has on others. But all humans are remorseful. We see the destruction we leave in our wake, we see the lives we broke, the emptiness of the things we've robbed, and we cry for it.

I wanted all these things and I never realized that I didn't have them for a reason. The universe is a machine, everything has a place that moves the ball forward, the ball being time. I've shifted the places, swayed the ball, took cogs from their spots, and now I can feel the machine cracking and quaking.

All of it is in my hands, and that's why I was crying.

Before I wondered if I was a God. I'm praying now that I'm not, and the one true God is on my side, that he can save me from this mess.

Eventually the school day ended and I walked home as fast as I could, but still ended up with Tyler in my path, and inevitably rushing to the front door.

"How did you find me?" I asked this time, wondering how much that would shake things. His face still turned pink, his hands still fidgeted and he still seemed worried. The only thing different is that I can't control the here and now.

"I had to pull some strings," he mumbled sheepishly.

Before I could push him further, instead of waking up, it began to rain. It was a crescendo, the rain light and sprinkling, a welcome and warm, to heavy and dark, scary and cold. I pulled him inside, my mom wasn't home yet anyways and I wasn't going to let him stand in the rain.

"Thanks," he said with a small smile. He was adorable to me. I wished I could shake the thought or my love for him away.

"Well, why are you here?" I then inquired.

"I wanted to see you again, you made me feel warm- l-like happy I mean," he stuttered a bit, I could tell he was afraid any word could take me away from him, ruin the moment.

"Even now?" I asked desperately, wanting to know if it was only the dreams that influenced him. If he felt for me even without my influence, it wouldn't really be my fault would it? But I had to take into account the fact I had before, and a taste of undying love could strike someone for the rest of their life.

There was hesitation and he looked into my eyes, as if accessing the situation.

"It's different now," he spoke, as my heart fell. "I want to be here, but it's not as magical as it was before." His honesty hurt me more than I'd like to admit.

In the midst of the pain I laughed, because maybe if I laughed I would feel better. I didn't.

"You should just go then, it was the heat of the moment, I'm just," I trailed off. "A thief," I finished in a small voice. Either he didn't hear me, or he didn't care because he hugged me, I wanted to collapse and cry again, but I kept my barriers up.

"No, even if there's no magic, I need to know you, there's something about you that pulls me in. There's some kind of fate stringing us together, and I want to know what it is, what to do with it, and see just how much we can accomplish."

His words were sincere, I knew that because they weren't crafted by me. I didn't sit and think about what it is he could be saying or not saying to me, he spoke on his own accord. My heart danced and there was light in me again.

"That's the nicest thing anyone as ever said to me I think," I admit to him with a small chuckle.

"Really? That's not fair," he said and I looked at him confused. "You should have a lot of kind words and positive things your way, you deserve it, everyone does."

I didn't say anything, I was tired of denying. And eventually we ended up playing Mario Kart until the rain let up, and it was the closest thing I had to rest in a long time. Tyler was my solace now, and also my drug.

He was giving me hope, excitement, a reason to keep going, and I wouldn't be willing to give him up. I would sway everyone's path just to keep him on mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Please leave comments on what you think! :)


	7. Paradise

Winter break was just around the corner and I was more ready than anyone else for the breath of air. Tyler was going to be my little secret, since there was an age difference and I didn't want anyone to be suspicious of anything. Sadly, Tyler has a lot of media attention on him, and so eventually my face was on websites and people wondered what was going on.

I assured my mom and peers we were just friends, and while that was true, I was the only one who knew it wasn't going to stay like that. The pain that none of this was truly real was tucked away, and I was wondering when we would be more than famed friends.

Josh, his best friend who had blue hair that almost matched mine, became like a brother to me, with enough altering. In my dreams I would cry in his arms, tell him I was tired and he wouldn't ask a single question, because that's all I wanted.

It was snowing, coating the roads and trees with white cold blankets. I was staring out the window, breathing against the glass, watching my warm breath make it fog, then cold outside make it dissipate within seconds.

"Lu?" his soft voice called me and pulled me out of my dreamy state.

"Sorry I was just thinking," I informed him and sat up straight, looking at my phone. He was on tour and skyping was the only way we could speak. Jenna disappeared basically, from time to time I envisioned what she was doing, I made sure she was happy.

"No worries, but I was saying we'll be stopping by Ohio again around next week, and I wanted to see you after I visited with my family," he explained with a small smile. His stubble was lining his face and I wondered when the last time he shaved was.

A smile soon came to my face, matching his. "Okay, that'll be right when break starts," I said and picked up my phone to move to my bed. Josh's laugh could be heard and then he came on screen with a big grin.

"Hey! How's the snow?" Josh inquires and sits on Tyler, ignoring his groans.

"It's cold, tastes like water," I described and laughed at my vague details.

"Wow, it's like I'm there," he said sarcastically. Someone else whose voice I couldn't place told them they had to go warm up and do sound check. We all simultaneously pouted.

"Bye guys, good luck tonight, you'll kill it," I wished them, and Tyler waved before hanging up. Then all there was left was silence. Pure silence and I felt like my brain would turn up side down.

Tears began to fall and I laughed because I felt stupid. Why was I crying? Why was I feeling so sad? I had seen this before but I hadn't cried. I wiped my faucet eyes and decided to have some mac and cheese out of the box to calm myself down.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

When I heard the car pull up, I jumped to open the door and run out. I didn't have shoes on and the snow was icy and painful, but I was too excited to wait. Tyler laughed and got out so I could hug him, staying in his arms.

There were some black cars just far away but close enough that I wondered if they were taking pictures. I didn't care.

"I missed you," I spoke, almost like an echo because I had lived through this before. So the magic Tyler talked about before was there. It was my magic, he was under a spell. They use that as a good metaphor for someone you love, but it wasn't good.

I buried those thoughts under all the other dark things and we went inside. My mom knew him, she was always suspicious so she wanted to be here when he saw me.

"Hi Miss Karameen," he greeted and shook her hand, he was so nervous every time and I found it so cute. I didn't care that I lived every moment twice, because with Tyler I could live every moment a thousand times.

She smiled kindly at him and we sat at the island while she worked on her laptop at the kitchen table. Mom was always the kind of lady who wanted to be the best host, or the best at every thing I guess. There was a pitcher of lemonade and she put snacks out too, but she kept her distance because she wanted us to have at least some privacy.

"I was writing a song on the plane ride here, and I wanted you to look at it, and y'know, see what you think," he told me and I blushed, feeling so flattered he trusted me.

"Okay, hit me," I said and he slid his notebook over to me.

The lyrics read:

I know the world is an open wound

and you feel like you're the one who needs to sow it shut

or the one who opened it

I know that time hasn't been kind to you

And I know no one's truly loved you

or that what it seems like

That's what it feels like

I know it feels not even God will look at you

I know the devil's been chasing you

but I know that there's a way out of here

Caged birds fly away

and the record doesn't skip forever

I know you're okay I know you'll be fine

I smiled as I read it, my mind wondered if it was about me, I didn't plan this, or at least I know I woke up before we got here. My smile faltered for one second, what if I just didn't remember doing this?

"It's beautiful Tyler, just like everything you write, I promise," I complimented and passed the notebook back over to him, he looked so shy, his cheeks red and eyes gazing downward.

"Thank you, I know you haven't come to me about everything, that I've only just gotten a piece of the things you feel, but you inspired me to write this, so it's kind of about you," he admitted with his hands clasped.

I could see my mom's eyes look up over her laptop for a split second as she hid a smile. I giggled a little, and shook my head.

"I can't believe you would take the time to write for me like that," I tried to say through my disbelief.

He shrugged, obviously unsure how to respond. I gave him a big hug and smiled. We went to the living room despite my mom's disapproving glance and I put on one of my favorite movies.

I was falling asleep but I didn't want to, but before I knew it I was phasing in and out of time. I ended up laying against him, and within a few moments I was fully awake again, tears glazed my eyes and my hands gripped his arm.

He jumped a little at my sudden change in state.

"Luna are you okay?" he asked me and put his free arm around me. Just his soft voice, and the fact this isn't real, hit me and the tears fell over, and I laughed at myself.

"Sorry, I'm such a crybaby," I choked out through laughs, he shook his head.

"You're fine, you're allowed to cry," he spoke and ended up stroking my hair, I calmed down but I wondered how much longer I could take with this. Or at least without him knowing.

"I get nightmares, a lot," I said, which was true. It was the future, but it was a nightmare. "Everything is in my control, and it starts out okay, but then I get overwhelmed, every thought I have comes to life, and it's so scary." My voice cracked and he held me tighter.

"They're just nightmares Lu, everything is okay, you're here now," he comforted me and I nodded.

"Just nightmares, it's not real," I mimicked his advice, it was true based on what I told him, but I lied. They're real, they're so real that I am becoming God of my life and I couldn't put the breaks on anything.

"I love you," he whispered and my eyes stared into his, looking for the catch, looking for the way this was just a dream, looking for Valefare, wondering how I had a way to make this happen. My mouth was ajar and I couldn't find the catch, this was all on his accord.

"Are you sure?" I spoke just as small as I felt, my hands shaking. He smiled and nodded, leaning in, I closed my eyes and relinquished my feelings and anxiety as his lips pressed into mine. A stray tear fell and he pulled away as fast as lightning when he heard the scoot of my mom's chair from the kitchen.

"Alright guys, Luna needs to get to bed, it was nice having you over Tyler," she ordered in her polite mom voice, although I felt she knew something happened or she felt something would, so she wanted him out. I smiled at him and he grabbed his jacket.

"Get a good night's sleep okay? No more nightmares," he told me as he walked out the door. Mom gave me a questioning look but I avoided it.

Does Tyler really love me, or did I just make him love me?

Either way, I was drowning in it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((The lyrics mentioned were NOT written by tøp and don't exist in the real world. They were written by me. Thanks!))
> 
> Thanks for reading!! Please leave comments on what you think! :)


	8. Who Am I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((This gets a little dramatic/emotional, so slight trigger warning if you don't like angst or breakdowns))

As daylight highlighted his unshaven face, we sat across from each other in a park. The seesaw had me in the air and him on the ground, his joyful smile radiated and filled me with warmth. Today was one of the last days he would be home before the second leg of the tour, but he was so ready to go back.

It hurt a little bit that he preferred the tour life rather than life at home with everyone. Though who could really blame him? 

He pushed against the ground and went into the air as I sailed down, giggling the whole way down. The air was cold, all the kids were in school, but I skipped today. I told my mom I was too sick, and I almost never missed school, so she agreed.

"You know, I still don't approve of you skipping school, education is vital," he pointed at me with the least stern stern look possible. I rolled my eyes at him, pushing against the ground to send myself back into the air.

"But we wouldn't be here right now if I hadn't," I pointed back at him with a smug smile.

Truthfully we would've ended up at this park no matter what, my mom would've agreed no matter what, it would've been cloudy no matter what, it would've snowed later that night no matter what...

"Although I am having a nice time, I still wish you would've gone to school," he said seriously, as we continued to go up and down.

"You leave soon, and I'm going to spend as much time with you as possible, because I want to," I retorted. He stopped, leaving me in the air and him on the ground. Tyler stared at his hands and my insides twisted. I knew what was happening.

"Luna, what do you think we are?" he asked quietly, still staring at his hands.

I sighed and remembered to say everything exactly as I had said in my dream.

"Well, you did say you loved me, and we did kiss, so, we're certainly something, I'd hope at least," it was still just as nerve wracking as it was the first time around. He nodded and continued to watch his hands like a tv screen.

"You know, you're still seventeen, and it's you know, technically, not cool for us to be together."

(A/N: I just spent like ten minutes researching consent laws for this)

I laughed a little. "Tyler that's only if we... do the do," I assured him and then smiled. He blushed a little and shook his head with a half smile.

"But it's still a really big age difference, and if your parents don't approve, and they probably w-"

I cut him off by getting off the seesaw and kneeling right next to him. There was a part of me that wanted to tell him everything in that moment, but as always, I knew that I couldn't lose him.

"It's just my mom. That's it. And she'll approve. I'll make sure of that. I turn eighteen in March, you'll almost be off tour when that happens too, it's going to be okay," I spoke slowly and firmly. There was almost a flicker of fear in his eyes when I said 'I'll make sure of that'. I softened a little and stared down at my own hands.

"If, if you don't want to risk it I understand," I had the audacity to say. As if he had a choice anymore. I was still blinded by my love, by my wants, by the fantasy world I created. Every night I had to push away the thought that everything I love right now, everything that had made me happy, was a lie. This moment was a lie. His love for me was a lie.

He smiled that sweet and soft smile. If we weren't in public he probably would've kissed me. There was silence but he spoke and laid his hand on mine.

"I would risk the world for you."

I could've mouthed it as he said it, and my watery eyes seemed like appreciation, but I hugged him so he couldn't see the pain buried inside. All I could do was look forward to what I had planned today. We would walk home and he would sing Screen just to see me smile. Then we would go to Josh's house and play scary movies. I woke up before the movies ended, so I don't know what happens after that.

After a moment he stood and we started walking, he sang Screen, pointed at me as the words 'I'm standing in front of you' came along, and then we were home. And then we went to Josh's. It's as boring for me as it is for you.

Josh put on Scream as we all grabbed blankets.

"This movie isn't even scary Josh," I teased him and plopped on the middle of the couch. He rolled his eyes at me and sat as far from me as he could, trying to be respectful. On the other hand, Tyler sat right next to me. It was kind of funny.

The movie earned a few jumps, and then I was in the unknown. Where anything and everything could happen and I wouldn't expect it. It was unnerving but a relief at the same time. Sometimes it felt like entering another world.

With the sound of light snore to my left, I realized Josh had fallen asleep. Tyler and I glanced at each other at the same time, provoking muffled chuckles from the both of us. I turned back to the screen, but noticed Tyler's smile fade in the corner of my eye. Something was off about him.

He was especially fidgety, and couldn't stop bouncing his leg. The whole couch was vibrating, it even woke Josh up. He was startled and confused but then rubbed his face and pretended like he knew exactly what was happening.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Tyler said quickly and stoop up just as fast.

Josh yawned and looked over at him with his sleepy eyes. 

"Do you want me to pause it?" he asked, grabbing the remote, assuming he already knew the answer. But, Tyler shook his head and headed to the bathroom. Josh and I were equally concerned. I guess we both could sense there was something wrong.

However, there was no other evidence suggesting something was wrong besides our feelings. So we stared at the screen as if it was more interesting and captivating than the situation at hand. As minutes past, it felt like Tyler either was having some stomach issues, or something was really up. 

I saw Josh's eyes glance towards the hallway with the bathroom, and before he could stand, his phone buzzed.

"Huh, it's a weather alert. Apparently there's a blizzard now, maybe we should've paid attention to that," he spoke and looked out the curtains. "Oh jeez, I don't think any of us are going to be able to drive in this," he decided. He glanced at me with a look.

Just then Tyler came back into the room, only half assuaging our worries. Josh motioned him to look out the window to see the snow piled up high and blocking the driveway. Tyler looked so... melancholy. Josh couldn't understand until he spoke.

"So I guess all of us are stuck here?" he asked, as if Josh would answer, 'nah Tyler I got a couple of jet packs that can take you home'. However, Josh nodded and then they both looked at me. Of course it was a bad situation, two boys, one underage girl, stuck in one house for a night? No adult would be happy about that, and I'm sure they didn't want to have to worry about accusations. 

None of that bothered me though, I couldn't care less what anyone thought. What bothered me was how upset Tyler looked about the entire situation. You'd think you'd be glad to have an excuse to spend a night with the girl you love.

I shot them both a smile. "It'll be okay, I'll let my mom know, I'm sure she trusts me enough, although I'm sure she'll be pissed I went out while I was uh.. 'sick'," I assured them and Josh seemed somewhat calmed. He sat criss cross on the floor.

Tyler stood, like he wanted to say something but couldn't. It was an awkward and uncomfortable air. Then Tyler finally sighed and looked at me.

"Luna, do you wanna look at the snow real quick?" he tried to make an excuse for us to be alone. Josh didn't even try to joke about being offended he wasn't invited to this snow viewing. There was fear laced in my bones.

We stepped outside, ankle deep in the powdery snow. It had yet to freeze. I wanted to jump into it, maybe even put on a bathing suit so I could lay and freeze with it. He looked at me and then watched his breath escape into the sky.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," he said first. "Sometimes I love you more than anything and then some moments it's completely gone."

His honesty struck me, I wanted to smack him for it. You can't just say that to someone. But I suppose you can't just control someone's life for your own benefit.

"Maybe it's me, maybe it's because of how sudden everything was with Jenna. Maybe I need time, but, I just can't explain it. It's like, I've never experienced something like this. It's like one moment I'm in a trance, and the next everything is clear."

Tears streamed down my face faster than they had ever before. Was this Valefar's revenge? Karma catching up to me?

I walked away from him and sat down in the snow with my jeans and began to sob. Of course I knew it would make him feel bad, but I couldn't help it.

"Luna, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I just, I'm trying to understand and I don't want you to be lead on, I want you to know what I'm feeling," he tried to explain, and he came closer to me to hold me and I pushed him away.

"No," I simply said, I wished that it was so cold that my tears would freeze to my face. There was nothing I could do to stop this. I wasn't all powerful in this moment. It was so unfamiliar after all this time.

He didn't know what to do, he ended up going back inside. There was something about this moment that felt like it was one of my last ones. I stood, shivering, as my coat was still inside. My pants were damp from the snow, but I began to walk, in the snow that was now getting higher and higher.

My house was probably twenty minutes away. There was nothing stopping me though. Not my sanity, not Tyler, and not Josh. I couldn't stop crying, because I knew this was all my fault. All of it. I should've stopped when I had the chance. There was no way to undo everything I had done.

I was halfway down the street before I heard footsteps in the snow. My head turned and I saw Josh carrying my coat. He looked confused and ran to me and for some reason, I started sprinting. 

I wanted to run from him so he couldn't stop me, so he couldn't feel bad for me. There was no sympathy in that moment that I could have deserved. There was no sympathy for me in any moment since that day at the coffee shop.

The street I got to was plowed, but there was a thin layer of snow coating it already, and I slipped, my face centimeters from being absolutely destroyed by the pavement. The tip of my nose caught the ground, it burned but I wasn't sure if it was even hurt. My hands were bleeding and blue from the cold.

Soon enough Josh caught up, panting like wild, worry in his eyes as he knelt next to me. He was wordless as he wrapped my jacket around me. My eyes were stuck staring at the blood on my hands. It wasn't much, but it was enough to make everything feel real again.

He hugged me, still saying nothing. We were in the middle of the street, in the middle of the night, as snow was coating us. I still couldn't stop crying, as if someone turned a switch on and they forgot to turn it back off.

"Shh, sh, let it out, just let it all out," he whispered and rocked me back and forth.

"Who am I? I don't know who I am anymore, I don't wanna be anymore, I messed up Josh, I messed up so bad and I can't go back, and I can't tell anyone, but everyone knows at the same time and I just, can't stop, I can't stop, why can't I stop?" I cried to him, choking on sobs and shaking. 

Of course he didn't understand, there were so many thoughts he had of what it could've been that was plaguing me, but he was nowhere close to knowing them. He pulled away and held my face.

"Luna. Breathe with me. Look into my eyes and listen to my voice okay? Breathe in, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Out, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven."

He repeated it a few times before I found myself calmed down slightly. He wiped my tears. 

"I think this is beyond Tyler, whatever he said to you or whatever you said to him. It's beyond that. So we're gonna go home, get you warmed up and cleaned up, and watch a comedy movie, and we'll go to sleep, and in the morning it'll be better. Okay?" 

"Okay."

In the morning it will be better, right? Because I control the morning. Right?

Who am I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Please leave comments on what you think! :)


End file.
